I often get lots of encouragement and comments from friends, family, and co-workers about my travels. A common theme in these is the comment on being “fearless” when it comes to traveling, and at least half of them for choosing to travel solo. I have heard numerous times about how brave I am for wandering the world, sometimes by myself, and how these people could never travel by themselves for x, y, & z reasons. But right now, after a long hiatus from the blog, I feel that I need to be totally honest about the behind-the-scenes deal of being “fearless”.
I am not a fearless person.
I never have been, and never will be.
ESPECIALLY when it comes to traveling.
I cannot explain to you the level of anxiety I feel in the hours leading up to my departure for anywhere leisure related, ESPECIALLY when non-revving (and for those of you not familiar with this term, this is slang for flying standby – you’re a non-revenue passenger, and you get whatever seat is open at the end of boarding, if there is one. But hey, it’s a free seat [domestically] or a fraction of the price [internationally] so we put up with the uncertainty). Non-revving in itself is one of the most stress and anxiety inducing experiences of my life just ask my mom and sisters who have sat in the airport all day, flown way out of the way in search of flights with empty seats to get home, and have slept in the airport.
The day I leave for a trip, I fret about everything. Right before I left for Scotland, already sitting in the Orlando airport, I told myself I should just fly back home. I hadn’t paid for anything yet (because standby), and it would just be easier. I wouldn’t have to find my way around Scotland by myself. Wouldn’t have to make every decision – where to eat, when to stop, where to stay – by myself. Wouldn’t have to take care of problems by myself. And mostly, I wouldn’t have to spend 5 days in my own head. Here’s a list of things I worried about while on my ~8 hour layover in MCO before heading to Scotland on my own:
- Will I be able to drive on the opposite side of the road?
- I had several hikes I wanted to do, what if I got hurt? Who would help?
- What if I was targeted by some weirdo because they noticed I was a solo female traveler?
- What if I got lost?
- What if the car I rented broke down?
Things I worried about before my FIRST solo trip ever, to Portland, OR:
- What if I can’t figure out the train?
- What if I’m attacked on my way to the hotel from the train?
- Pickpockets?
- Do I have enough things to see?
And to be honest, I have cried right before both of the last international trips I’ve taken, the first to Ireland, and the second to Paris & Brussels. Before the Ireland trip, I had 1) Lost my favorite scarf that I had so far taken on every international trip since becoming a flight attendant, and 2) Ordered a super cool passport cover/wallet that was supposed to be delivered the day before, but wasn’t, and wouldn’t be delivered or back at the post office before I left. Looking back, silly things to bawl your eyes out about, but it was just the icing on top of the anxiety cake. And before the Paris/Brussels trip, I had ripped a hole in a shirt I was planning on packing, and once again, it was just the icing on top of the anxiety cake. Pre-travel Meagan = Stressed and Worried Meagan.
I traveled to Hawaii with my best friend, and wow, was that trip a fear filled trip. I am COMPLETELY creeped out by deep, open water. AKA pretty much every beach in Hawaii, and the only kind of water you can go snorkeling in. The thought of going snorkeling gave me goosebumps and made the hair on my neck stand on end. But we were in Maui, snorkeling was the biggest item on our to-do list, and Rebekah didn’t seem afraid to do it, so I made myself swim out into the deep, creepy ocean. And immediately, I was rewarded with some of the coolest sights I’ve seen in the ocean. We saw two sea turtles, the state fish of Hawaii (the humuhumunukunukuapua’a) which looked like they wear lipstick, so many sea urchins, and coral reef.
But in every case, what I did was push through those fears, anxieties, and stresses, and told myself that once I got to where I was going, everything would turn out fine. And everything did! Things always do. Every single trip I have taken is a happy memory to me, and there’s not been a “bad trip” yet. Of course, there have been plenty of ugly surprises on my trips, (what would a trip be without some funny stories to tell after?) like the time we lost a hubcap on the rental car in Ireland and got lost driving around searching for it, or the time I got on the bus in Portland going the wrong way and didn’t realize for 30+ minutes, or the time I fell on a hike and tore my knee up in Hawaii, or when we had a super creepy airbnb host in San Juan. And if you had told me before the trips that these things would happen, I probably would’ve said “worst case scenario”; but having gone through a few things that have tested my patience, my anxiety, and my instincts, I know that “worst case scenario” in my mind really just translates into “funny story to tell after”.
Beyond all the anecdotes, I promise I had a real message here. And I think what I’m getting at is that it’s never about being fearless. I’m sure there are truly fearless people out there, who may not struggle with quieting their minds so they can accomplish a scary task, but you are still capable of the amazing if you do have fears and doubts. What it’s really about is being afraid, anxious, nervous, maybe even terrified, and pushing through that anyways because you know that on the other side lies this amazing experience. And hey, if you find out that on the other side is this experience that you ABSOLUTELY WOULD NOT DO AGAIN, then you regard it in the same way that you regard trying new food & discovering you don’t like it: you move on, and you don’t try it again.
Whether it’s exploring a beautiful new country or bustling city, traveling solo, starting a new relationship, or making a tough decision to do anything that may be out of your comfort zone, it’s truly not about being fearless. Be afraid. But be brave and do it anyways.
We Wanderers 